| Author | Message | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 408 Registered: 01-2005 |
A Modern Fairy Tale Cinderella, abandoned by the Prince, looks into the ashy pit of burnt-out logs, sees the detritus of mice in the broken brick of her basement room. There is a party upstairs. The leap of the Blue Danube keeps her running to a mirror like Snow White with a question only the witch can ask. Always, it is winter and she leans out her one window, waits for the baroque sleigh of the Ice Queen to glide to a stop so she can tie her apron strings to the broad, steel runners. Water fills a glass. She has two Prozac left and one pair of shoes that do not fit. | ||
| R D McManes
Advanced Member Username: mac Post Number: 279 Registered: 03-2001 |
a wonderful twist on the end, enjoyed. mac Mac | ||
| WendyC
New member Username: wendyc Post Number: 18 Registered: 12-2003 |
Water fills a glass. She has two Prozac left and one pair of shoes that do not fit. these are my favorite lines. | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 437 Registered: 08-2004 |
Dang!! There is all kinds of wonderful going on here in the poetry forum. I adore this poem!! The ending is wonderful. Good job!! (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2868 Registered: 12-2003 |
Teresa, very modern. Clever how you got both Cinderella and Snow White in there. Love the ending!  K | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 657 Registered: 10-2005 |
Teresa- Great cover piece of a form from our culture- a rich source if we poets were to fully mine it! Really great poem here. I have two small nits, others may disagree because they are small: I don't reacall the snow white story that well, maybe I'm wrong, but how about: like Snow White with a question only the witch can answer. Would you like 'answer' instead of 'ask?' It has a rounder sound and it rhymes with the next line-end winter. Also it is more plaintive. The other nit is the word "baroque" which seems to me to be a bit heavey of a modifier. There is so much else that is good here it is hard to mention one thing. I would have to quote the entire poem! “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Tina
Valued Member Username: tina Post Number: 181 Registered: 11-2003 |
Hi Teresa, One of my old schmaltzy favorite songs comes from the old old Rogers & hammer he version that talks about my own special place in a corner. I think you captured that here! Peace, Tina | ||
| Nancy G
Member Username: nancyg Post Number: 66 Registered: 11-2005 |
Yes! I love this. The images are wonderful. And you say so much, without wasting words. This really works. | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 411 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks to each one of you for your kind comments. Lazarus, as for altering "like Snow White with a question only the witch can ask." "Answer" wouldn't really work here --the question the witch asks is when she looks into a mirror and asks "who is the fairest of them all?" I'll consider removing the word "baroque" here. Really appreciate your suggestions. My best, Teresa | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 663 Registered: 10-2005 |
T-Ah-ha! I knew it was something like that. Well, in that case forget what I said. What you have done with it is scrumptious as is. I have decided what my favorite turn is: waits for the baroque sleigh of the Ice Queen to glide to a stop so she can tie her apron strings < here, this is just great! to the broad, steel runners. (IMHO It will work without baroque.) “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 412 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks again, Lazarus! Good to know your favorite part of the poem. Initially, I wanted "baroque" because all the illustrations for the Snow Queen story show a really elaborate sleigh but I can see the poem doesn't need that modifier to move it along. Best, Teresa | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1130 Registered: 11-2003 |
Hi T, Good read as is. This is built on an original twist. Given the context here, I find a modifier is appropriate for sleigh, and baroque (or a similar) works quite well. Experimenting w/ the ending - just for your consideration, T - I also heard: Water fills a glass. She has only two more Prozac, one pair of shoes, and two left feet. ^^ Not exactly the same, but I thought I would share it w/ you. Happy New year, T Michael (MV) | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 669 Registered: 10-2005 |
I'm glad Michael came out in favor of the modifier 'baroque.' Since the movie came out I've been seeing that sleigh a lot. Other's wouldn't be so familiar- or at another time. Good Call. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6216 Registered: 11-1998 |
Yes, dearest Teresa, do I ever LOVE this one! Witty, clever, ironic, and entirely modern. The kind of poem that has you laughing and shaking your head at the same time. Pure Teresa White! This kind of poem is what keeps me coming back to your work wanting to see more of what you got. Nits? I checked my pockets and I ain't got none. Don't even have any Prozac left either. But you're doing just fine, hon, without my interference. Keep looking into your heart at what is most difficult and showing that to all of us. Together, we will march right through it in those teetering glass stilettos! Your #1 Fan, M | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 413 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Michael. Always good to see your take on one of my poems. Your ending would work though I want to stress the shoes that don't fit (as opposed to her foot fitting the glass slipper). And a Happy New Year to you too! Thanks, Lazarus. I'll have to decide again on whether to keep "baroque" or perhaps another modifier for sleigh. Appreciate your input. M, you dearheart, you make me feel so good with your very enthusiastic response to this poem. So pleased you like it!! Your encouragement is wonderful and I thank you. My best, Teresa | ||
| KA
Advanced Member Username: kerryann Post Number: 137 Registered: 10-2002 |
Seems all critiques have been mentioned. I enjoyed this poem of yours, Teresa. It reminded me a little of a childhood book I adored called "The PaperBag Princess." | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 414 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Kerry-Ann! Glad to read my poem reminded you of a childhood favorite. My best, Teresa | ||
| Graeme Mullen
Advanced Member Username: graeme Post Number: 132 Registered: 11-2003 |
Teresa - I like this a lot, and have only two minor suggestions. The first is to lose one of the "b" words in "the broken brick of her basement room" - in my opinion, the alliteration draws a little too much attention to itself. The second is to change the title, which is a little too generic for such a specific poem. (I myself am guilty of some bad titles lately, but so it goes.) Overall, I love the poem - it has just the right mix of classical folklore and newness to it. "The detritus of mice" is such a cool phrase. | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 415 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks,Graeme, for the suggestions to make this a better poem. I will look for a way to get rid of one of my "b" words and see if I can come up with a better title. You've been most helpful --glad that overall the poem works for you. My best, Teresa | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3705 Registered: 07-2002 |
Teresa--I just love this piece. The humor, the irony. Love poetry that mines mythology and fairy tales. Bravo! best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 428 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks so much, Lisa, for the very kind comments. Much appreciated! Best, Teresa |
